Finally Friday

My daily ramble

I got up around 11, had some breakfast.  Checked my e-mail and got a shower.  Off to the post office, where I got no mail.  It was all for my partner.  Filled up both vehicles with windshield washer fluid.  Started laundry for the kids, a couple towels and a blanket they lay on.  Sat down in front of the computer and discovered how to put an ad on Craigslist.  It was for a job not for sex.  My word smith skills kicked into high gear and before I knew it my ad was published.  Spent sometime in front of the TV and promptly fell asleep.  Woke up in time to get ready to head out to the fish fry.  On the way to the fish fry, we stopped at the bank for money and then gassed up the truck.  We even washed it.  Then it was off to the fish fry.  I had a small amount of food but my partner kept picking up side items, so he ate a lot.  Went to leave and discovered a pickup truck parked seriously crooked leaving my partner no room to get in.  So I had to drive.  The perks of a slightly smaller frame. :)  Started and finished my job search.  Put a 2nd ad on Craigslist.  Then began visits to my regular reads.  My partner upstairs starts screaming, I figured he did something wrong.  Not too long my phone was ringing he told me that one of his classmates from High School passed away.  He took it rather hard.  Back in his day people were closer and High School was way different than it was for me.  I spent sometime with him comforting him and talking.  He’s the last guy left from his class.  I told him this is one time when being last is a good thing.  He was calm and headed back to his computer so I headed back to mine.  We talked about tomorrow but neither of us really has any plans.  He wants to visit the local hardware chain store for a couple things.  I don’t think our weekend will be too exciting.  I’m not looking for drama but some spice added to our daily life would be nice.  Were both kind of depressed but for different reasons.

Religion

I feel my self slipping away from religion.  It’s like I am the stereotypical gay person who has nothing to do with God much less religion.  I mean no disrespect to anyone by my last remark.  I feel as if he (God) let me down with loosing my job, making me wait for a new job, Big Boy getting sick and me running out of money.  When I was working I used to pray everyday on the way to work for various people, for my partner, the children, work, my family and the world in general.  It was a good feeling and my day wasn’t complete unless I prayed on the way to work. 

Since I lost my job I prayed really hard for Big Boy to get better.  Once he started to make progress, I stopped praying on a regular basis.  I started out pretty heavy praying for a job.  As I got rejected my prayers started to dwindle. 

Now I know there is a God but with the events of the past year, I have had serious doubts.  I thought of it from George Carlin’s perspective that I was talking to an invisible man and it was a waste of time and made no sense.  With the direction my life has taken my faith has been shaken.  It’s taking a whole lot out of me to write this!

There is a God and I remember the miracle he gave me with allowing me to say goodbye to my Grandmother.  I’ve seen his work in my partners life bringing him through a divorce, stroke, serious car accident and cancer.  I’ve seen him (God) working in other peoples lives.  I just feel like he has me on terminal ignore, like nothing is happening in my life.  I am ready for the times to get better but I don’t think that will happen until my faith has been repaired.

What caused me to realize this is that the employer in my back yard that I have wanted to work for, has another job opening.  It’s very similar to what I applied and interviewed for last year.  With the exception that this position involves working with servers.  I was telling my partner about this and he took my hand and began to pray.  Being the smart ass that I am I just blurted out a Hallelujah!  My partner told me not to make fun of it or it wouldn’t come to pass.  Then we started talking about religion and my feelings as described above.

I honestly feel now in hindsight that the opportunity that I passed over last week was God’s reward and answer to all of the prayers for a job.  Instead of over looking a couple of comments, I decided to spit in God’s face and say it’s not good enough!  I feel like he will not reward me again because I didn’t show respect for what materialized out of the blue.  Maybe I did spit in God’s face by passing over the offer but the comments that were made were significant enough to me to send up warnings to walk away.  It’s like a nurse applies for a position at a local hospital and they say okay, your hired but not as a nurse as a doctor.  That person is qualified to be a Nurse, being a Doctor requires a lot more school & skills.  The same thing in my field.  A support technician is not a programmer or developer, that requires one to go to school and develop more skills and understanding of a particular programming language.  Regardless what took place is done and cast in stone, there is no undoing it.  I’ve got to move on but I can’t ignore my feelings of guilt.

In case your new or maybe I never really spelled it out.  I was raised Roman Catholic.  I went to Catholic grade school up until the 5th grade.  I took the Catholic classes for kids that were in public school, called PSR classes.  That was not something I looked forward to.  I have been baptized, made my first communion and went through confirmation all in the Catholic church.  I was raised that you have to go to mass (church) every Sunday and there was hardly a mass that I missed.  Of course being kids me and my brother did our fair share of faking to be sick in order to get out of going because it was kind of boring.  Just before my Grandmother got ill I converted to Assembly of God.  I felt alive, appreciated and very close to God.  Then enter in church politics after a year and the church split.  I was for our pastor because he was/is a good guy but there were people out to get him and they succeeded.  He started another church and we went to that for a while but it quickly fizzled.  It’s been at least 10 years since I have been in church on a regular basis. 

I was taught that God is everywhere, that being the case I see no reason to visit a building to worship him when I can do that from my own home and from my own heart. 

Since I’m most positive that some of you are wondering about how I feel with me being a homo and how Christianity in general condemns homos if that isn’t part of the reason.  I suppose it factors into my decision a little bit but I believe that God put us homo’s here for a reason.  If he didn’t want us to exist we wouldn’t, it’s just that simple.  I don’t think homosexuality is wrong but I do think that all of the negative talk about homosexuality has driven many people away from what is a Loving and Caring God.  While I am not divorced from God, I am not as close as I once was.  It’s up to me to change that and I think once I do thinks will really start to pop.  Problem is that I don’t feel compelled to do so right now.  I’m in a depression after being cast aside, rejected and passed over for so many fitting opportunities. 

If you have some words of wisdom, I welcome them.  If you pray say a prayer for me getting closer to God and strengthening  my faith.  While Jesus may not be everyone’s cup of tea I know that my life is better with him in it than without him at all.

Everyone has their own beliefs it is not my intention to push my beliefs on you but rather just to express them and air my feelings.  I don’t feel comfortable trying to sell you on my beliefs or a religion.  Religion is a lot like medicine.  Some drugs work for most people but other people require alternatives and some people choose to go without medical care.  What is right for one person isn’t always right for the next.  You’re a human being and your able to make choices that work for you and your life, open your mind and live because it is my opinion you only get one shot at it.  Might as well make the most of it!

 

Phew, what a rollercoaster of a post.  I’m glad I got that out makes me feel better but also makes me feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed of myself. With all sincerity and respect I say God please help me!